Last night, after my blog posting, yup, I had something off program. But you know what was huge for me...I was able to say, well just get right back at it and I did and stuck with it all day today. Actually I scurried off to bed so I couldn't eat anymore, but this morning when I didn't feel as good and REALLY wanted toast or crackers for breakfast, I stuck with my eating plan and have stayed with it all day! And I still lost a little weight:)
So the thing here I am so proud of is that I didn't switch to the " I blew it" mode. I just moved forward and got back to it. I don't think I have ever done that before! I really do want to improve my health and I am so glad I was able to do that.
I really can't wait until this term is over. I have found out that the stress I am dealing with from school is having a major adverse affect on one of my kids. I can't let that happen...it causes me to wonder if I am doing the right thing being in school? I can't let my family fall apart because of it. My family is so much more important to me that school and the (slim) possibility of finding a job in todays market. On the other hand I am part way through the hardest term, if I stop now, I will have to start it over again someday and it will be just as hard. What example would I be setting for my kids long term? short term, I hope it would show how much I love them that I would give up my dream to be here for them. But will that be enough? If I quit school I will have to find a job as soon as possible, then how flexible will I be able to be when they need me around? Of course next term when I am doing my full time student teaching I will lose that flexibility anyway...I just don't know what to do...I am kind of in one of those spots where I am darned if I do and darned if I don't. Sure its only two more months (for this term) but in the life of a teenager, that can seem like forever. I would do anything for my kids, even give up finishing school, if I thought it would help, I just don't know if it would. But I can't let my family fall apart, that is all that is important to me.
Then, my dog bites one of the kids friends tonight....what do I do with that? Do I get rid of her, muzzle her or what? I don't want to take the risk of it happening again on one hand, but when I already feel like my family is falling apart, if I get rid of the dog and leave the kids heartbroken, its just another fracture in an already crumbling house. I hurt so bad over everything going on right now...doesn't life know I am trying to get healthier? It seems like life is throwing everything at me right now, I am getting so tired of trying to fight back.
To continue with fighter analogy, I feel like I have been hit in the head one two many times and I don't know which way to turn as I try to get my feet back under me, if I turn the wrong way I will get hit with the knock out punch. If I turn the right way, I have a very slim hope of success. If I just stay down, its going to hurt a lot less, but there is no chance of success. Trouble is my head is spinning so much that i don't know which way to go?
to save my family, maybe it is better to stay down and not risk the knock out, but that one small chance toward success, is so tempting. How many times do we see someone try one too many times to reach for success and they ruin everything in the process and lose all that is worth having?
Hi Tracy,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know I've been reading your blog a little bit and am not only rooting for you to succeed but also know how hard school and a teaching program can be.
I understand completely how busy days can get and how damn hard life gets. Although - I don't have a family at home so I really probably don't understand. But anyway, the task you have taken on really is challenging and both physically and mentally exhausting. With that said, there will definitely be days you want to quit, but if at the very least you just show up to where you're suppose to be, everything usually turns out alright.
I don't want you to quit and I pray that your family will understand and support you. School does get hard, and I have seen people quit my teaching program because of it. The thing is, in a few more months it will all be done, and then I promise you will look back hoping you had stuck it out. I am saying this to myself as well :).
Anyway I just wanted to let you know I have felt the same thing you have at one point or another.
I'm rooting for you,
Nicole
Thank you Nicole! I have heard from many people who are rooting for me. It really has been humbling. This blog began as a way to keep myself focused on my goal to improve my health and has ended up being theraputic in so many other areas as my life seems to be falling down around me.
ReplyDeleteBeing able to write about it really helps and getting all the words of encouragement from friends and family has been uplifting and is contributing to my determination to keep going...
Just need to remember to rely on God and thank Him for all the wonderful people in my life. I know He has a plan and He will get us all through this time. I thank you for your prayers, we can all use them!
Love you...good luck as you finish out your masters program, I am sure that has to be tough as well. So do you have a job lined up for when you get done yet? I am getting nervous about that, but as I said before, I am sure God has a plan!
Hope Brooke is feeling better!
Tracy