Work Sample done yet?

No way...so far to go, plus all the other homework and here I sit on facebook and doing my blog....

Well health wise, how am I doing?  yesterday I took too much medication.  Today I have been right on track with medication and my eating.  I think I waited a little long for my dinner, but that is just how the day went.  I did have a couple drinks with vodka (diet lemonade and then mixed in my orange drink from the program)....but havent given into all the party food here for Hailey and her friends.

Stress level is a little high, even with anti anxiety meds....but i am working on it.

I think after this weekend and I get through all the lessons I am teaching on Mondayand then all the assignments due on Tuesday, life will get a little easier...at least the school work won't be quite as stressful.  although then i have that assignment due in a class that I just can't seem to get, but the work sample will be done and turned in!

Better get a little homework done before I go to bed, so much to do, I don't even know where to start:)

I did set a goal that I can't weigh in until next Friday or Saturday so that I don't get disappointed if i am not losing 3-4 pounds a day!  I need to be realistic and shoot for that in a week, which is still an amzing amount...but looking daily was getting me down.   I am so close to being under 190 for the first time since last year and probably was a year before that that I was there, so I don't want to miss the first day of getting there, but I need to keep motivated and it will be just as exciting on Friday of next week as it would be if I hit it on Wednesday and checked in then, but then I won't be disappointed if I step on the scale before that and haven't gotten there yet.  I am sure I will be there by Friday, although I need to control my stress level better. We all know that stress can result in pounds not coming off....

too much homework...again!

I did a little better this time by taking a few very short breaks periodically throughout the day, which helped with some with the pain, but not enough.  I took too many pain meds and had to take too many anti anxiety meds.  But days like the last two days are giving me hopes that I can begin having more and more days like those days and will be able to decrease my dependence on those pain and anxiety medicines.  I am not sure if my bigger goal is to lose weight or to cut the dependence on medication...they are both tied together so much, its such a cycle, so if I cut back on one, I am sure I wil see improvement in the other. But not the frustration of dealing with this assignment.

I stayed with the plan all except a little vodka in sugar free lemondade...lol.  So a little stress relieving splurge, but I am not going to let that get me off track.  As of this morning I have lost 3 pounds!  and I want to keep going!  I am not looking forward to the homework tomorrow, but I can't wait until I get to go watch Hailey playing her games!

I am looking forward to a better day tomorrow!

wow...is all I have to say...

I can't believe the amount of energy I have today and what a great mood I have been in all day...I haven't felt this good in a long time! 

Yesterday, I took less pain meds that normal...what a great feeling to be able to do that even when they are available!  Today I had a little more pain, but I stuck with the maximum amount without going over and even went on a walk anyway.  It may be slow progress to my ultimate health goals, but I am slowly getting there, reducing reliance on medications and reducing my weight. 

Still haven't weighed in since I restarted, guess I want to see a big loss:)  I am going to try to wait until Saturday to weigh in, but the scale is calling...

Went to meeting tonight and learned more about this program and the importance of attaining better health and all the resources provided for success on this program...its awesome!

Energy!

Good thing my energy is back!  I didn't sleep at all last night worrying about all my assignments that I have due this coming week and the work load over the weekend, so i thought this was going to be such a long difficult day....but I pretty much breezed right through it, not near as exhausted as the last two days! 

I had a good morning teaching, then I worked all afternoon and got that caught up so i can focus on my school work the next couple of days...hopefully I can get most of it done tomorrow afternoon and Friday so i can enjoy Hailey's last tournament without taking any extra work with me!  I want to enjoy my time there! 

I stayed on my eating plan easily today and realized how nice its been not to have to worry about meals the last few days when life has been so crazy!  I just prepare one meal with lean meat and veggies...pretty simple!  the rest of the meals are all ready with minimal effort...perfect!

Now, hopefully, off to a great night sleep!

short and sweet...

Just checking in to say that I did great today.  I ate all the right things, drank lots of water and even did a few situps and leg lifts!

And also to ask for prayer for the kids and I this coming week....so many big assignments are coming due and one of them I am really struggling with the concepts on it.  If you could pray for me to have large enough chunks of time to get through all these big assignments that are due on Tuesday and be able to limit my stress level i would appreciate it.  The kids have all struggled with my stress level at one point or another this term and I am really trying to keep it from affecting them, but I know it will this week when my time is going to be so limited and I want to give them all the attention and time that they need...just knowing people are praying for us this would would be really helpful!

thanks!

blogging with purpose...

The original idea of this blog was to gain encouragement from others and give encouragement back.  I have been encouraged to keep the blog a bit more positive, but I want to keep the same raw honesty, because I think a lot of people relate to that.  So, I am going to try to strike a balance...some raw honesty about what I struggle with, because without that, there won't be the shared sense of victory when I overcome those struggles and little more about each days positive happenings so it feels a little better as we move along.  Besides if I include more positives, maybe I will begin finding more of them along the way and hopefully help my kids also seek the good things in their lives.

So, as most of you know, I took and extended break to try to eat healthy foods instead of following the plan....that didn't work out so well for me.  I don't know why I can't just sit down and eat a healthy meal.  I always need to include something not healthy or the whole thing is unhealthy.  This type of plan really is perfect for my life right now.  Its easy to stick to, my meals (except one) are prepackaged and require very little prep time.  With my crazy life, it really is the easiest way to eat.  And for some reason, when I have a more strict plan, I can stick with it better...maybe because I am not tempted to say "oh just one bite won't hurt" and then it turns into plenty more. 

So, yes, I am back on my program, talked with my health coach today and I am jusst planning to take it one day at a time.  Today, I committed to myself that I would stick with it "just for today".  And tomorrow I will do the same....more tomorrow, family crisis

Gonna try again...

Trying to just eat healthy isn't working either...so I am going back to the original program, hopefully, tomorrow.  I will decide for sure when I get up...if its another bad fibromyalgia day, I may wait until I get my pain meds refilled so I can manage pain while I go through the tough first days while my body adjusts and gets into its fat burning stage.

So prayers and encouragement that I would actually stick with it this time and that I could finally get on my way to being healthy and being able to cut back on some of these meds, especially, the pain medication!  So many of them cause weight gain, so i hope as I get in better shape and improve my healthy, I can at least cut back on those!

I am going to try just taking it a day at a time and try not to look at the big picture and how long this will take.  Obviously it will take longer if i keep going off, so I will do my best to stick with it...and I will try to depend on my health coach more!

why can't I stick to it?

I am feeling so frustrated with myself.  So, I figured since I couldn't stick with my program working toward weight loss and improved health, i would just try to eat healthy and add a little exercise for a while and take a break.  I can't even stick with that....

I have to wonder why I keep sabatoging my goal to improved health.  I really want to feel good and be healthy.  I was doing so well and making progress, then I just stopped and regained half of what I lost (at least it wasn't all of it)!

I am not sure where to go from here...I am afraid to try the program again because I don't want to keep going on and off of it, but it is actually easier for me to stick to that just saying I am going to eat healthy.

Ok, so I was going to start writing positives on here....I finished homework in two classes yesterday. 

less positives today...

What a rough day today....I was called mean by two different kids (one of them twice).  No one would pay attention during reading groups!  I caused one boy to cry two times when he was getting in trouble!  One girl stabbed a boy with her pencil (passed that one off to the teacher).

On the positive side...one girl gave me two hugs at school today (and from a 5th grader is pretty special).   And Catlin helped with the health lesson today and I thought that went really well and the kids really enjoyed having her there!

Sent Mikayla to the doc today and she has bronchitis (even while on the Z-pack)...so she is on strong cough syrup...hoping to be better by Sunday so she can start her first day of her new job!  Yay...go Mikayla!  If she isn't better by Monday she will need chest xrays...

Hailey was able to play in her practices the last two nights so she is healing up.

I went to gallery night and got to watch all the kids do their presentations...got hugs from two kids there, most of them seemed glad to see me!  Got to watch my renters daughter do hers...she is so cute!  They all were!  It was a fun evening.  I saw people I hadn't seen in a long time, it was nice!

Then came home and finally made the decision to find Jasmine a better home.  I just really think she needs to be in a place where there aren't kids coming in and out so often and running through the house, not always knocking.  I think she needs a calmer home.  I feel guilty about not being able to do a better job with her, for watching how upset Hailey is and because I am going to miss her too...she has been such great company when the kids are gone at Bills, sometimes, that is what gets me through that...now I will just be here all alone and it will feel lonely...I will miss her so much, but I think she will be happier in a calmer home, with a regular routine.

I am signed up for a course on getting a concealed weapons permit and trying out several weapons so i can choose what I want...but it could be a couple of months until I can take that class.  I need  to find another way.  I need to have a gun here when there is not a dog and Trent isn't home with his guns..

oh, and I got an email from an instructor that I got a 4/10 on a paper...F.  she wants me to rewrite it, but the grade isn't going to change.  The problem is that it will become part of a larger paper, so it will affect that grade too...

Nothing to add on my health choices today...not really any good ones.  Now maybe I will work on that paper or cry myself to sleep...haven't decided which...

Positivity...

Had it pointed out I should post positive thoughts because it would breed more positiveness....so what does that leave

Positive choices I made about my health...
1.  went to bed early last night.
2.  had a healthy breakfast, morning snack and lunch...dinner too
3. began trying to figure out what is holding me back from making good choices, especially in trying to lose weight.(not that I figured anything out).
4.  If I have time, I will try to come up with a short term plan for eating bette while on my break from my program, because if today is any indicatior, I can't just say i am going to eat healthier:)
5.  I passed McDonalds without stopping after work...and I really wanted to!

Thats all the positives for this day...

Honesty isn't always easy...

so that "little" mess up last Thursday...turned into a 6 pound weight gain!  So very frustrating....I am not sure what it is that keeps getting me off track.  I can make up little excuses every time, but it must be something on a deeper level.

I've decided it is not good for me to keep starting and restarting this eating program I am on...so I am taking a few weeks to just try healthy eating on my own (and to be honest, I've never been successful at this, the weight comes off too slow and I am not good at counting calories).  But I need to try something else.  While i am doing this, I am going to read a chapter in my book from my getting healthy program about stress to see if I can find anything in there that will help.  I am also going to carve out a few minutes each day just to meditate on why I want to lose weight and get healthy and what is at stake AND try to figure out what is holding me back from accomplishing it....if anyone has ideas, I am listening:)

Right now, I am  just so frustrated with myself and my weakness and lack of willpower...

And, honestly, being out of pain medication for my fibromyalgia doesn't help because then I am fighting pain and the food craving that come with that pain.  I know it is my fault I ran out early...that is yet another area where my willpower is greatly lacking.  Shouldn't it be better to only take the edge off the pain throughout the month than to get rid of it for 3 weeks and then have one week with nothing to help?

Despite all my frustration right now, I am trying hard not to give up!  And, honestly, valentines day sucks being single...I think I am finally about to the point of being ready for a date!  honestly, if you know someone that might be fun to spend an evening with, let meknow:)

Off Track...

Well, got a little off track again...not sure why I keep doing this.  I am doing good, making great choices, feeling good about my progress and then one little thing happens and I spiral out of control.  I was in more pain and took more pain pills instead of making do with what I am supposed to take or instead of trying to find alternate ways to ease the pain.  I was emotionally exhausted after the past week despite the success I had while I was walking through the storm...and then I forget my snack one day, so was starving by lunch.  I came home and I honestly tried to be good, but I really could tell that I was already headed for going off the program. 

I think a lot of it was just being so tired emotionally.  Its too bad I didn't have a way to go out and blow off steam from all the emotional stuff last week...a movie, a drink with a friend or something just to regain my equilibrium so I could be more effective in all areas of my life, not just in the eating or pain pill usage.  I think I need to make more of an effort in doing something with friends and building up some friendships so I feel I have a place to turn when I am struggling with that much emotional crap.  I have my mom (thank God), but I don't want  to overburden her with all of it and I can't expect ONE person to take on all of my stuff...I need to build some friendships too. 

I had a lot of friends in my church, but they seemed to have faded away when I was no longer able to attend church there and I haven't found another church that I feel comfortable enough in to build friends yet.  A big part of that is the church we are attending is so big, so it takes more effort on my part to meet and get to know people and I am not very good at that.  I also just don't have a lot of time to find new people to make those connections with.  I feel that church is probably the area where I really need to step it up and make more effort at turning it into a family of friends.  I need that connection to a church, I miss it so much.  I would prefer a smaller church where it is easier to get to know others, but the kids like this church and I want to lead them spiritually and I can't do that if I pick a church for me and then they won't attend with me. 

I have so many areas of my life that I need to work on so that I can get to a point where I am not continually going off of this program toward improved health.  But it seems each time, I am learning more about myself and areas of weakness and maybe a little about what is causing them.  I need to be sure to walk away from each struggle, each set back with a plan to avoid "cheating"  for the same reason in the future.  And, dang, if Valentines day isn't a struggle this year!  I don't know why it is, it shouldn't be.  I am happy to be the mom of three wonderful kids and I am content in my life...really have no time to fit a guy in (not even a date), but it is hard this year.  That is probably just related to this term being so hard and having so many struggles and it is hard to deal with it alone.  building friendships would probably help in this area too....

When I first started this blog, I had the idea that it might be nice for anyone who was interested to join me for a night every other week to share ideas about what is working and what isn't (whatever your health goals are or what program you are using to reach them).  We could play games, just talk, and/or go on a walk or hike somewhere.  Anyone interested, just let me know...you can text me 541-740-9268 or email me 4tracyann@gmail.com.  Or if you just want to catch a movie or something sometime, a girl can never have too many friends...this is just as much a part of my journey to better health as is eating better, losing weight, exercising, cutting back on meds and reducing stress levels.

oops....

Well, I must confess to a little backsliding today....

The day started out pretty sore from fibromyalgia and I really just needed to stay home and rest, maybe a hot bath to soak away the pain, but of course that wasn't an option (and I need to learn to deal with that as I begin moving inot the REAL world).  So, off I went leaving home one child with a concussion and one that was sick..that was hard too.

I was also really tired to go with the pain, so I was slow moving and had a hard time getting ready on time.  I rushed out only to realize I had forgotten my snack, which meant I had to make it about 5 hours between meals.  I was so tired, sore, and distracted that I was pretty ineffective teaching today.  Luckily he didn't have me doing much of the actual teaching today.

On the way home, I barely past McDonalds without stopping (my favorite frys)!  i was proud of that, but after eating the soup from my plan, the girls had chinese food from safeway.  I started with a bite of the unbreaded chicken...which slowly escalated to all the yummy chicken that was breaded and in sauce.   that escalaated into convincing one  of the kids to break open a valentine of chocolates (yum).  so for dinner I just ate lasagna with the family instead of making a salad or a stir  fry. 

I need to keep reminding myself...this doesn't mean I blew it completely...I just need to get myself back on the program to keep losing weight.  I need to use this as a learning experience and look at the problems:  number 1--I need a plan for when I have a fibromyalgia morning , how do I get myself going and push past that pain and tiredness on those days (not really sure how at this point).  Next, I need to keep an emergency stash of the bars in my car so I don't end up without a meal like today.  It is definitly easier to stick with it when I am not missing a meal. 

I need a different plan for when I am just so exhausted from life...such as what?  Maybe have a plan for after work to take a nap or read a fun book to kind of revive me?

Anyway...there is my confession, now i need to get as much homework done as possible (which won't be much )  before I fall asleep...could be anytime:)

Almost...

Almost made it through today with no surprises....started off the day rushing and stressing to get homework done that I didn't have time to do before (oops, I did next weeks assignment...but that will pay off this weekend)...

Got to stop and visit my Grandpa, what a mood lifter, why don't I make more time to do things like that?  And it didn't take long, only 20 minutes and it was such a special time for me....

Forgot about a quiz in one class, but I think I did ok...I know I missed one, but could have been worse.

Poor Mikayla has more car troubles, I guess we got what we paid for in that car...wish i could help her out with it more!

Then I got home early, thinking it was a good thing because i have a lesson to prepare for tomorrow...get a call from Hailey and she was at the high school watching the girls basketball game and got hit in the head and has a concussion, trip to the urgent care.  Poor thing has a huge knot on her forhead...and a doctors note saying no school tomorrow (that part isn't bad) and no basketball until the doctor releases her.  She just hasn't had much luck this season between being sick and injuries.

About my health progress....I felt like I handled todays stresses better than I have been previously, not sure why, maybe some of the medicine from the doctor is helping me.  I got up and rode my exercise bike for 10 minutes and then walking on campus for class.  My back is killing me, but its time to get into exercising and get my body in shape along with some weight loss! 

Now to prep for my lesson and get some sleep...that is one of the next areas to work!  Sleep would probably help reduce stress and help weight loss...maybe even make this headache go away.  Oh that is one other thing, normally I would grab the pain pills for the headache and my hip/back pain.  I took some earlier in the day, but I didn't take more this evening....progress is being made !!!  yay!

Finally....

Yay, yay, yay...finally lost two more pounds!  I really think it was the stress of last week that had me stuck...the weekend wasn't nearly as stressful and I lost two pounds as of this morning (since I weighed in yesterday).  I am now down 14 pounds total...

I knew if I just stuck with it and kept going it would happen, but it was so hard to do...especially with so many temptations yesterday!  I am so glad I didn't give in...

Now to continue working on keeping my stress level down.  I know I can't control most of what is leading to my stress, so i really just need to work on my reaction to stress.  So for now, it is just to build in the habits I've mentioned before..."Jesus take the wheel...", short prayer, and a few deep breaths...then if that doesn't work, its ok to take an anti anxiety pill for now.  Tonight I got so overwhelmed with tax stuff needing done and and assignment due tomorrow at noon.  I had to rush off to watch Hailey's basketball game and it was adding to my stress.  but, what a difference when i got there and let go of the stress from home.  I just focused on enjoying watching her game and I had such a great time.  She was so fun to watch!  I came home with a new focus and was able to get some of my work done.  The assignment isn't done, hopefully I will get it done in the morning...but I've got to hit the hay...lack of sleep can stop weight loss too!  night all!

Weight still stuck...

But I have stuck with the program today, despite lots of temptations everywhere.  In the past, this being stuck at the same weight would have me running for the brownies Mikayla made and has sitting on the stove.  But, I know that the scale has to budge at some point and I really want to finish school looking better than when I started!  So I am still focused....

Talked to my health coach today and she gave me a few ideas...need to up my water intake, be better about measuring my lean and green foods, and make sure my meals are not too far apart so I can keep my insulin levels as even as possible.  she said I will need to be more careful with this due to many of my medicines and with my stress level being so high right now, it could be having an adverse effect on my goals.  I need to get my stress under control....I wonder how to do that as I sit here looking at a couple of hours of homework needing to get done and its already late...tomorrow has a full plate already, so I am not sure where to put homework in there, I also have to complete some tax information tomorrow to get to the accountant...we have a rush on it so Trent won't miss out on any financial aid this year!  YIKES....I am glad I took a little time away from my homework to spend time with my kids this weekend.  I needed that for stress relief and to pull my family back together...but now, how am I going to get all this done?

And I really need to start getting a better night sleep so I can combat that stress that way as well!  So I think I am going to bed and will hope I can get this done tomorrow night or first thing Tuesday morning...or that my teacher will be understanding and take late work.  I have to start taking better care of myself!  Thanks to all who read this....I began this to keep me accountable (definitly working) and to help motivate others.  I have no idea if that is working, but it sure helps me to have a place to get things out and when I write about what is going on, sometimes ideas come to me for changes to make....like going to bed now and not finishing my homework!

Today was hard...

diet wise that is...things went great with all my kids today...no added stress anywhere:)

It was hard today because of many tempting foods being around.  Then when I went to Hailey's basketball tournament, I went a little long in between eating because of the time between games not being long enough for me to get out to get a salad.  It was also hard to want to stay on the plan when I haven't lost weight for several days.  I know it is normal to hit plataeus on occassion, but it is still frustrating and makes it hard to want to stck with it....

I hope to work my way through this plateau.  I need to increase my water again, combat the stress to keep the stress hormones down, trying to fidget a little more as I do homework and that kind of thing, just so I am moving more and burning more calories.  I have been sticking to the food plan, so not much to change there...I love creamy dressing on a salad and need to change that to something else...any good ideas salad dressing that is good for me, that i will still like...still a little creamy?  I would love to hear your ideas!

I have also been really, really tired making it hard to be able to do my homework or accomplish a lot.  I think some of the sleepyness is due to the anti-anxiety meds from the doc.  As my body adjusts to the medicines and as I, can hopefully, get my stress reduced (and don't need as much), I will be able to take less, so between  that, I am sure it will work out soo...

speaking of being tired...I need to hit the hay, I keep falling asleep!  nighty night:P

short and sweet...

I have continued to stay the course, but I am getting discouraged.  My weight has hovered around the same weight for several days now.  I know that as long as I am staying the same or losing bits here and there, I will see it drop, but it is frustrating to be staying on the program without results.  I think it is just more pronounced because of the rapid loss at first. 

Well I am hoping to add some exercise this week (funny, don't know where that will fit in my schedule).  I hope that if I start building some muscle it will help burn calories faster.  And if I drink more water again, I was slacking on that a bit, although I did good today...hopefully I will get up and report a major weight loss.  This is what I ate today...5 meals replacements from the program and for my "lean and green" meal, I had a taco salad using turkey burger, no cheese or chips or taco shell.  so it included lettuce, spinach, salsa, the turkey burger with taco seasoning and a tiny bit of sour cream.  don't see how that should slow me down.  Maybe i should quit using a spoon of peanut butter in my evening "shake".

Who knows...it could just be all the stress saying its not time to lose?  Whatever it is, it better not last too long or I will have a hard time sticking with it ... need to reaffirm my committment to it OR have a plan for going off that won't include regaining any of the weight I've worked so hard to get off.

Thanks to all the support...

I began this blog as a way to provide accountability as I embarked on this journey to improve my health.  And I have many ways my health needs improvement:)  But this has ended up being such a cathartic journal.  Life has been a challenge to say the least lately and having this forum to write and share about it and get so much encouragement back has been such a blessing.

I should get back to the health program I have begun and share what it has done for me...As I  have been sharing, I am facing some major family struggles at the moment.  Normally, with my fibromyalgia I would probably be unable to function very well and wouldn't have the energy to cope with all that is going on.  This health program has helped because I am feeling better physically.  I have more energy and have been able to keep going throughout the day.  I don't get to the afternoon and need a nap everyday like I was doing last term in school. 

No, the program isn't stopping the stress or calming my emotions as I struggle with the relationship tension in my family right now.   I am an emotional basketcase...but physically I am stronger than I was even a few weeks ago.  That is helpful in coping with the stress.  Typically, when facing stress like this, I would be eating more or having a few drinks in the evening to cope with all that is going on.  I am amazed, actually, that I have been staying on my program, but I really want to set a good example to my kids in one area of my life...guess this is the one for the moment.

I want to encourage those of you who struggle with the emotional eating that you can do this program if you want to make a change in your health.  I would love to come alongside you if you want to partner up with someone on this journey to health.  I think the more support you have around you the easier it is to stick with something like this because you have someone you are accountable to.  I love this program because it includes a health coach.  There is someone I can call anytime I am struggling with the program or anything else. 

I am so thankful that I have been able to stick with the healthier eating and for all the words of encouragement this blog has brought my way.  In the coming weeks I need to find a way to cope with the stress and reunite my family at the same time.  I have already cut everything out of my schedule I can ...now I need to add in some special one on one time with my children.  That is what is important in life, relationships!  As I considered cutting school to work on family issues, I think I have come to the conclusion it is better to show them the example of completing what I start and just finding a way to work through the tough times as I go.  Somehow, at the same time, I need to let them know that they are all more important than my schooling because they are so much more important to me.  If I were to quit school to work on these issues, I would have to find a job right away and that would be less flexible than being in school is.  I would need to be gone more hours of every day.  the good thing would be that when I was home I could be more present and not working on homework at all hours.

This term is only 6-7 more weeks if we can just hold on that long.  Yes next term is full time student teaching, but there won't be classes on top of it.  Hopefully I will be able to do more of my work sample while I am at the school and make my home time more focused on family instead of school.  And then, of course, I will also be job hunting!

So, in summary, I am very thankful to be on this program and working on my health.  I have only been able to cut one medicine and was hoping to cut more by this time (especially when I got the bill for switching my insurance to a 3month supply with a mail order company...ouch).  But I need to get the stress under control to help the fibromyalgia.  I am at the point in the program that I should be able to add exercise (not sure where that will fit in) and exercise is a great tool for helping relieve stress. 

anyone reading this who prays...I could use prayer in several areas...how to balance school and family in a way that helps my kids to feel valued and at the same time, see me be able to accomplish this goal of finishing school and beginning a career that makes a difference in someones life, decisions regarding my dog and what to do with her, prayer for each of my kids as they struggle with my school stress while I am in the last push to get done, and prayer in dealing with stress and anxiety, that my doctor would be able to work with me in finding some anti anxiety medicines that will help.  I know when I took that on a more regular basis it really helped my fibromyalgia pain as well and I didn't need as much pain medicine.  I go in tomorrow.  I could also use prayer that I would find time to get all my homework down and that I could put together a good work sample, and of course prayer that I will be able to have a job lined up after graduation that is in the local area and will pay enough to support my family and help me pay back my student loans....

Maybe one day I will even ask for prayer in finding someone new, but I honestly don't have time for that right now:)  Although, I have to say, that when dealing with so much stress, it sure would be nice to have someone to talk things over with, someone to just hold me while I am sitting there bawling my eyes out...who withholds any judgement and just loves me (and my kids even if they hurt me).  Not sure there will be anyone like that out there...if not, I will just continue on my own.

Keep eating healthy, exercising, and taking care of yourself...yes that includes some "you" time or pampering...that is part of improving your health too.  I got a massage today and it was wonderful and just what I needed right now!

confession time...

Last night, after my blog posting, yup, I had something off program.  But you know what was huge for me...I was able to say, well just get right back at it and I did and stuck with it all day today.  Actually I scurried off to bed so I couldn't eat anymore, but this morning when I didn't feel as good and REALLY wanted toast or crackers for breakfast, I stuck with my eating plan and have stayed with it all day!  And I still lost a little weight:) 

So the thing here I am so proud of is that I didn't switch to the " I blew it" mode.  I just moved forward and got back to it.  I don't think I have ever done that before!  I really do want to improve my health and I am so glad I was able to do that.

I really can't wait until this term is over.  I have found out that the stress I am dealing with from school is having a major adverse affect on one of my kids.  I can't let that happen...it causes me to wonder if I am doing the right thing being in school?  I can't let my family fall apart because of it.  My family is so much more important to me that school and the (slim) possibility of finding a job in todays market.  On the other hand I am part way through the hardest term, if I stop now, I will have to start it over again someday and it will be just as hard.  What example would I be setting for my kids long term?  short term, I hope it would show how much I love them that I would give up  my dream to be here for them.  But will that be enough?  If I quit school I will have to find a job as soon as possible, then how flexible will I be able to be when they need me around?  Of course next term when I am doing my full time student teaching I will lose that flexibility anyway...I just don't know what to do...I am kind of in one of those spots where I am darned if I do and darned if I don't.  Sure its only two more months (for this term) but in the life of a teenager, that can seem like forever.  I would do anything for my kids, even give up finishing school, if I thought it would help, I just don't know if it would.   But I can't let my family fall apart, that is all that is important to me.

Then, my dog bites one of the kids friends tonight....what do I do with that?  Do I get rid of her, muzzle her or what?  I don't want to take the risk of it happening again on one hand, but when I already feel like my family is falling apart, if I get rid of the dog and leave the kids heartbroken, its just another fracture in an already crumbling house.  I hurt so bad over everything going on right now...doesn't life know I am trying to get healthier?   It seems like life is throwing everything at me  right now, I am getting so tired of trying to fight back.

To continue with fighter analogy, I feel like I have been hit in the head one two many times and I don't know which way to turn as I try to get my feet back under me, if I turn the wrong way I will get hit with the knock out punch.  If I turn the right way, I have a very slim hope of success.  If I just stay down, its going to hurt a lot less, but there is no chance of success.  Trouble is my head is spinning so much that i don't know which way to go? 

to save my family, maybe it is better to stay down and not risk the knock out, but that one small chance toward success, is so tempting.  How many times do we see someone try one too many times to reach for success and they ruin everything in the process and lose all that is worth having?